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sarah, party of one

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one girl playing [Aug. 7th, 2005|12:12 pm]
sarah, party of one
so i walk down the street by myself alone no escorts no staff no thirteen unhappy children teenagers shadows.

i dip my left foot into the street repeatedly while playing balance beam with the curb. i twirl around posts and poles curtsy and bow to my dance partners. i step on all the cracks in the sidewalk. i am allowed to pet dogs and coo over babies. i can speak to anyone anyone that walks by me. i can speak.

you know that if you step on a crack you break your mother's back.

yeah they talk about innocence and suffering but they're the same god damned forsaken bereft lonely thing.

listen. listen to the night music the nocturnes one girl playing. the candle spattering sputtering. a halo of light and everthing else dark. fine shading. striving for the full and rounded tone. please please hear in it everything i can't feel can't say. they gave me back my voice, but took my heart away.
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Comments:
From: (Anonymous)
2005-08-08 03:08 am (UTC)
i step on all the cracks in the sidewalk....you know that if you step on a crack you break your mother's back.

step on em twice, for all of us, will ya?
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[User Picture]From: narfanator
2005-08-08 07:52 am (UTC)
Parsing difficult. Managed? Mabye.

Buddha with Shades Says:

Perhaps your voice has forgotten where to find your heart?

Play the tone that you play, not the tone they say is best.

You cannot take a step foward until you know where you are, and you cannot know where you are while trying to be somewhere else.

Hmm? Is that what I wanted to say? Mabye, mabye... This word means that, and that word means this, but that is to me, and not to you. Look! I say, look! There is a beuatiful cloud there. Where? you say, and I point. I point to my left, but the cloud is to your right.
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[User Picture]From: narfanator
2005-08-08 07:59 am (UTC)
Realized Better Words!

Mabye your heart has moved, and your voice is looking where it used to be?
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[User Picture]From: contamity
2005-08-08 08:47 am (UTC)
If you're ever questioning the nature of things, just realize that at 1:45 AM, Monday, August 8th. I was here. I am in my room. Reading this, you are now with me in my room at 1:45 on that monday. *hugs*
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[User Picture]From: fadedcliche
2005-08-10 02:47 am (UTC)
I miss you.

So much.

I need your phone number.

Moreover, I need Sarah.

<3
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[User Picture]From: idlegypsy
2005-08-13 04:52 pm (UTC)
heyyy. it's yve.
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From: (Anonymous)
2005-08-14 02:45 am (UTC)
::pokes hesitantly::

::eats with spoon::
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[User Picture]From: saffariah
2005-08-14 02:47 am (UTC)
(that was me, for the record)
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[User Picture]From: idlegypsy
2005-08-14 06:00 am (UTC)
actually, i think sporks are more effective with yves.
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From: (Anonymous)
2005-08-15 06:03 am (UTC)

Sarah

What are you doing? I don't know what kind of emotional growth boarding school you went to, but I do know that no one can take away your heart. Your head may tell you your heart is gone but your head is a total liar. I don't know whether you went through insights or not but I would think at the fear your not letting go of...the harder the truth to tell the truer the friend who tells it...this is hard for me to say but you need to stop feeding into your negative thinking and you need to stop playing the victim because you know it gets you nowhere as it got me nowhere. I played all the same dramatic and attentiony games as you do so i am coming from understanding I know its hard and I know that the place I went was an exception to most boarding schools, but I also know how lost i could get in blaming the school when it really was all my stuff. However I am sure you learned good things and You know that your heart is very much alive and going strong. You are a beautiful woman, live with your shine and stop hanging out in the darkness.
~A concered person
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[User Picture]From: saffariah
2005-08-18 09:26 pm (UTC)

Re: Sarah

that's the same therapy crap they threw at me for ten and a half months. i am saddened that you are already infected. i am not seeking attention. i am not playing the victim. i am not caught up in negative thinking. i do not want pity, yours or anyone's.

if you haven't even asked about my experience (drastically different from yours) don't expect me to welcome your criticism and attempts to repair me. a true friend listens.

i did not consent. you did. if you get back from hyde and realize that you've been moulded into a shape that isn't your own, drop me a line. if you want someone to listen, call me up. if you want to hear my story, ask me. if not, don't read it.
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[User Picture]From: saffariah
2005-08-22 02:48 am (UTC)

Re: Sarah

waitaminute... you're not the person i thought you were.

remember the time i threw that orange and it hit you in the face? yeah. that was funny.
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[User Picture]From: princessisis
2005-09-26 08:13 pm (UTC)

Re: Sarah

Right that was hilarious...-.-..anyway I'm sorry I thought you went to an Emotional growth boarding school, not one of the horrific places, my mistake.
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[User Picture]From: saffariah
2005-09-29 07:46 pm (UTC)

Re: Sarah

it's all a matter of degree.
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[User Picture]From: princessisis
2005-09-30 11:21 pm (UTC)

Re: Sarah

Yeah and I have heard horrible stories of some of those places, I guess i lucked out in a way
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From: (Anonymous)
2005-09-15 05:49 pm (UTC)

from the background, yr silent ally

hope you've forgiven my cracking and dumping. i continue to regret and apologize once again. you are still in my heart daily and it's heartening to read that yr life goes on.

i've been doing non-stop activism and things are starting to percolate getting ready to boil. there are several things that you, specifically, could add to our efforts. most critical, in the asap category, is that we might be in a position to help some of the California kids still trapped where you were (and any other Ca. kids trapped elsewhere). If you remember last names of any at ycpr who had relatives/friends that they couldn't communicate with who live in California we can try to track them down and it's highly likely that Feinstein's office will promptly contact the facility. Apparently they've done this, I suspect mostly for influential people but they promised to do it for us so...

also, i know this is a bigger request for several obvious reasons, we urgently need fresh accounts (very hard to get because of the obvious reasons) from people like you especially out of Aspen "programs". Anonyomity is possible. i'll explain further if you're at all open.

i'm reaching out, in part, because i know if you felt safe/able you would do what you could to stop all this. it is stoppable and we have finally gathered an incredible informal coalition of intelligent voices working hard right now, which has not been the case previously.

of course, completely understood if you need to stay away (at least until 10.11, coming soon!!) from me or any involvement that I'm suggesting. i truly hope you know that i'm fighting to avenge what's been done to you as well as STOP it altogether.

love always (incomprehensible as it may seem). k is good; doesn't harbor.
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From: (Anonymous)
2005-09-15 06:04 pm (UTC)

btw, "Oh the Glory of it All" Sean Wilsey

I know you don't read stuff like this but it's a memoir of bay area guy, who is one of those McSweeney type writers. He came from high society fam (narcissists exponentially) and went/escaped from a program (CEDU like, but same shit). I recommend it because from his writing, now in his early 30's I guess, he's seems like he is satisfied, sane, heartful, grounded and successful guy despite all of it (i mean life w/ his psycho fam. mostly) It's long but for me worth reading every bit. Besides lack of editorial knifing it's well written. Also he had a strange sort of "healing experience" at a "school" in Italy after he escaped. Parents thought it was another CEDU, but turned out to be sort of a convalescent scene for young adults, no abuse. A little cultish but way more good than harmful. Mostly, he was "seen" and lovingly encouraged to do what they "saw" he could do that no one had before - write well with joy (and attending agony, of course, but ya know about writing...)

He finally figured out it wasn't his fault and that he was a good and talented guy.
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[User Picture]From: saffariah
2012-03-15 03:06 pm (UTC)
I felt a Cleaving in my Mind –
As if my Brain had split –
I tried to match it – Seam by Seam –
But could not make them fit.
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